Being Held Back or Slowed Down

​Out of everyone I know, I feel high up on the list of people that spread themselves too thin, move too fast and get too busy.

I don't say this with pride. I realise that the Ego has got a good hold of me convincing me that creating my own suffering is noble, admirable and worthy. This exaggurated sense of purpose is destructive and is an addictive behaviour that I don't particularly enjoy. I find myself sometimes too serious, too ambitious, too committed.

I adore laid back people. I want to spend all my time surrounded by people that take it easy, enjoy life and can slow down often. Yet, they drive me crazy. I find that whilst I can take the occasional time off to slow down and enjoy the random leisurely lunch, I feel restless.

My threshold for chilling out is not as chill as I want it to be. I feel my time on this earth is too limited and there is so much I want to do and experience. And although often what I want to experience the most is stillness and contentment, I cannot get myself to do it enough. My chill crew help slow me down sometimes but I often feel held back.

My mind convinces me that chill people are in my way. I need to wriggle around them and control the amount of interaction I have with them in order to stay within the standard I had set for myself. But if I was completely honest I would say I feel jealous. There is no other way to say it. Those that move slower annoy me because I want to be them. Years of habitual behaviour and addiction to finding purpose should not be a constant state. 

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