​I love you, but I don't like you

The most challenging relationships we have are often the ones that are closest or mean the most to us: parents, siblings and close friends. Those close relationships, like everything else, are subject to change and inevitably ending either through forceful circumstances or unresolvable conflict. 

Because we invest so much in those relationships we find it difficult to shut down emotionally even when the relationship causes us so much pain. I heard a professor say once that it is a complete myth that people that love each other do not hurt each other. It is quiet the opposite, if you did not love someone and they loved you back, they could not hurt you and you could not hurt them.

And we find ourselves in situations where we deeply, truly and fully care for the people we love, but we sometimes find that we stop liking them. We find that we wish them well, would help out if they needed us and would jump to the rescue in an eye blink and yet we cannot stand sustaining a relationship in which we cannot be ourselves anymore.

We are then faced with two choices, both which seem challenging. The first being continuing the work on sustaining those relationships at the expense of honouring our own feelings, identity and truths, regardless of how much emotional pain those relationships bring to us.

The second would be to create a healthy distance, boarders and limits to honour our feelings, needs and selves regardless of how it fills us with the pain of seperation, isolation and rejection.

One can say that distance is cowardly avoidance, someone else might say that extreme tolerance is fear and attachment. What I think is that our spiritual growth will come from doing what brings us most peace, not only externally but also internally. It is about making the decisions not based on fear of losing the ones we love, nor on the fear of not being able to handle what they do but rather on truly loving ourselves enough to choose what feels right.

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